Believe.

It’s a tough emotion to express, really. How many times can someone express “thank you” without seeming needy or overly-obnoxious?

I’m sitting tonight at my friend Amanda’s house. She’s one of the several new people in my life. She’s talking with somebody on the phone, right now, who’s in a crisis. . . and Amanda’s helping. That’s her style.

She’s one of the sweetest people I know, and one of the strongest. I can’t help but appreciate her kindness, and her ability to keep a level head- even when her friend is pouring out his/her soul on the phone- certain that doom is approaching.
I’ve had a beautiful week. Life just keeps getting better right now… It all started with an instant messenger conversation I had a few weeks ago- I think you’ll recall- (I blogged it.)

I expressed embarassment that I had become passionate about my health in such a short period of time. He stopped me in my tracks and asked “Why NOT?” (Obviously that’s a summary). It hit me.

I’ve been breathing… I just haven’t been living. My passions had been stolen by poor health, bad realationships, and an overwhelming depression that had consumed me. Sure, I was still nice. . I was still “Josh” . . . but . . more “one shell of a Josh”.

I made the committment to start living every day of my life. I’m going to have pain anyway, I might as well experience it because I’m living- instead of constantly mourning my supposed impending death.

I haven’t just come out and said this, because it’s still a bit tender. . My hemochromatosis cannot be treated at this time. At first glance, my Doc and I thought everything would be okay, but it isn’t- and I’m facing the fight of my life.

I choose to fight- just not in the conventional way. I’m loving myself through this. I might die, I might not. I DO know, though, I WON’T die before my body stops breathing. I’ve become sick and tired of the bullshit keeping me from living the life I want to. I knew I didn’t want to die alone, and that staying in my room- slowly losing my sense of self- was going to leave me friendless- selfless.

So, I have a part time job- 15 hours a week. This job takes a lot of my energy, but you know what? I’m doing it. I’m living . . . and the money I make helps me go out with a friend or two . . and buy some (much needed) new clothes.

I have so many friends and stories to share with you. Heh- my Blog name- it’s been the same from the beginning. I think it’s beautiful that my life is finally catching up with the name…

My Life.

I’m thankful for the angels in my life. I can’t describe them any other way. They’re strong, they’re beautiful, they’re accepting, and the joy I feel when I’m around them is a taste of heaven.

Cubby- If it weren’t for him, I’d be dead. Period. There were so many nights I was lonely and depressed. Talking to him, and even thinking about him has helped me through so many nights. He’s the love of my life, the twinkle in my eye. . . My Magic.

Brady- Wow. His generosity is unequaled. He’s opened my eyes to acceptance and has demonstrated what it means to be a truly loving, gay man.

Keith- Had I but known! He’s been working at the same place as me for over 5 years. He’s one of Sebring’s most attractive people. He loves punkish music and Tim Burton films. His hair’s always a strange, but tasteful color, and I’ve never seen anyone look as hot in leather pants. He invited me to the movies a few weeks ago, and we’ve been friends ever since. For as hyper as he seems, I can tell his roots run deep, and I know that this thin wiry tree is one of the strongest I’ve come upon.

Gary- The gentelest man I’ve met. It’s the quiet ones we must look out for, sweeties, but something about Gary is so disarming . . so peaceful . . that I can’t help but want to match his sweet, caring nature everytime I’m around him. He’s a computer guy and hard worker, too. I haven’t had as much time to talk with him as I’d like. He has a lot of gentle wisdom to share, and I look forward to long hours of sweet conversations.

Amanda- She’s been there. We both had ill childhoods, and drama among friends. . She’s fun to be bad with (Dairy Queen) and good with, too (Rent & soy crisps). Words can’t express how happy I am to have a local friend with such an amazing spirit. I’m ingratiated to know her.

Mike- A butterfly. Plain and simple. He’s wrapped himself in a cocoon so long, and I’m thrilled to see him blossom and grow. He has a mostly innocent view of earth, and has had his share of pain, but I can’t help admiring his sweet spirit and loving nature. I had such a blast hanging out with him this week. Boobies.

Anthony- Quite simply- the coolest guy I know. He’s artisitic, down-to-earth, and I love everything about him. I met with him this week- after 3-4 years. It was like we’d picked up from old times . . even though we never had a true chance to hang out because my ex kept trying to hump him. LOL. I can’t help but love Anthony. . He’s adorable and I can’t wait to see him again soon.

Kyle- Lives with Anthony. He’s a cute lil’ chaser boy with eyes as deep as the ocean. Talking with him at Ruby Tuesday the other night was one of the highlights of my trip. He really seems interested in an Atlanta boy– I just hope he finds his “Mr. Right.” Or his “Mr. Right now” He’s a computer nerd (Definitely a plus), and works for a financial services company. I hope to get to know him a lot better. . . anyone who can endure my magic tricks and smile is a friend.