A few months ago, I left Florida for somebody else.
I was sure I’d NEVER be back. I was happy, I was excited– I was branching out and feeling confident. Time passed, and I started figuring stuff out.
We had passion, good intentions, and plenty of love. But suddenly . . .
I’m back in Florida for us to “sort things out.” Love endures all, and so- I’m afraid to admit to myself why I’m here.
I’m having lots of fun, guys, and I know this is an odd post to throw in the middle of all this happiness, but . . Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m not grieving.
We needed to “sort things out.” Well, he did. I knew what I wanted, and understood that very little in life worth having is brought about through instant gratification.
One can’t have an open, loving, joyful relationship without doing what’s necessary to maintain it. You can’t put a compliment into the vending machine, and expect a box of chocolate-covered love drops to fall. Neither can you stay “in love” because the other one used to be considerate.
He was working 60-80 hours (being paid for 20), letting his “friend” overstep her bounds in our relationship, and keeping our relationship a secret. Many times, I felt like a stranger in public with him . . and I never even met his family out there. .
He hides his relationship status on MySpace, and sent me a birthday greeting labeled “Your Friend” which means he either considers us “friends” now . . or he didn’t take the few minutes necessary to say he loved me.
I’d ask, but he calls when I’m sleeping . . promising to speak with me soon.
Last night, he promised he’d be online to chat with me.
I waited two hours. . . hoping he was just caught up in a momentary distraction. Hoping he wouldn’t really lie to me on my birthday. He did.
I shouldn’t wait for someone to be serious about me. If my docs are right, I might not have much “wait time,” and to be honest . .as emo as this sounds, I don’t want to die waiting to be loved.
Why do I want someone who isn’t crazy about me? Why is it that, three years into our relationship, I’m back in Florida “sorting things out?” Arguing was about the only time he’d reveal his emotions. The rest of the time, he remained silent.
He had everything together once (he called me one of his passions), and I was deeply in love- not reminding myself that love endures all. I saw what an amazing person he is. Some circumstances knocked the winds from his sails, and now he’s so obsessed with regaining what he lost- he ignores what he has. . .
What was so important that it’s worth sacrificing the present moment for?
I often help people heal their lives, but not him. He had passion once, but gave it up for comfort. He tells me what he wants to do with his life, but there he is . . . working his ass off for people who don’t appreciate him, and he’s so busy searching for the past, he doesn’t see that “today” is all he has.
He sends me secret blog comments, he hides me on MySpace. . . and he identifies me as merely a friend. When he’s around others, he won’t even end a call with “I love you.” It’s always just “You too.”
We’ll always have the Highlands county fair, but was that one week worth all this pain? He even has Jason, the ex roomate that fucking abused me on his top friends @ Myspace. I want someone willing to stand up for me . .
Someone unafraid to love. . .
And as much as this hurts . . .right now . . .
that’s not him.
(cutie!!) has certainly attracted a non-life I think is awesome. We talked well into the morning about everything from family to spirit. Such awesomeness in Sebring is refreshing.
