Adorabale, shaggy-haired, mostly-unshaven nerds.

I love them. They’re all so cute. I’m at the Wizard’s Wall in Melbourne.

Apparently, every Friday night, they come together to play a popular card game called Magic: The Gathering. Have you ever been in the home where another language is predominately spoken? I’m surrounded by 30 or so non-english speakers.

I say this, not because they don’t speak English. I say this because– I just can’t comprehend the way they use it. They’re “tapping” cards to cast “spells” and from time to time, someone screams because they’re happy with the card they drew. Each card does different things, and if you play your cards right, you can walk out of there with bragging rights and some new cards. We’re nearing the third hour of “Friday Night Magic,” and Chris seems to be doing well.

I think. . .

I mean . . other people have left . . There are only about 16 or so playing, now. Either the other people lost and went home . . OR . . you can get up and leave any time, and Chris is just having fun playing. . . so he’s sticking around?

Jose is here. As is his gay brother whose name escapes me. Also Rob, a guy who shared a meal with us at Denny’s the LAST time I was here. I think his girlfriend is named Katrina.

There’s a great little Chinese place a few doors down, and I had a craving. . Yum. I had sweet & sour pork, beef, chicken, and shrimp. It was awesome. You know how a lot of places make you dig through an inch of breading to find ONE miniscule piece of meat? Not this place. The prices were reasonable, the people were nice, and the food was great.

I also . . . impressed them. I brought my own stainless steel chopsticks for dinner, and randomly– one of the owners needed a pair of scissors. Of all the random and odd things for me to be carrying? Yep.

They were in my zippered notepad. I explained this away with . . “I’m a magician.”

POP! Out popped three kids, Grandma, Mom, and Dad. Chris and I BOTH did magic tonight. I spent about 30 minutes doing all I could with a fifty cent piece, sponge balls, napkins, and comedy.

It was a great time- and I’m happy I was able to entertain. I love AND despise doing magic for children.

They’ll always believe what you say, but they believe you so much- they begin expecting the impossible. “Can you make me fly?” “Can you make me disappear?” etc etc . . It’s a lot of fun, and I’ve made up a few witty comebacks that explain why I can’t saw them in half. . . . Of course I can’t saw you in half, you didn’t bring your saw tonight, and mine’s too big to lug around in the car.

So, it looks like things may be wrapping up here soon, and I think Jose, his brother, Chris, and I will be hanging out– Most likely at Applebees or Dennys.

I know I haven’t updated as often lately, and I DO have big big big HUGE news.

But . .I’m surrounded by adorable distractions tonight talking about Geomancers. So, I’ll write my news very soon . . just not tonight.

<3 Josh

Last night . . something I really needed happened. I won’t dig too deeply, here, as writing would barely scratch the surface.

I finally had closure with my ex.

I never could quantify what precipitated my breakup with David, and it bugged me. Would I make the same inconspicuous mistake again? What if I run off this beautiful, amazing guy (Chris), too? Am I cursed with some form of relationship-screwing secret powers?

Nope! I’m fine. Great, in fact (according to David). He and I were always better friends than anything else, and I’m quite thankful that our friendship is genuinely restored.

Quick note- Facebook users– This is an imported note . .meaning . . It’s streamed from my real blog. Somebody believed I was writing articles about Chris that he couldn’t see . . because he doesn’t have a facebook acct. To the contrary, this is published on my public blog for the world to see. (Hello, world!)

I’ve been going on nightly walks, and I really appreciate the friends keeping me company via phone; Specifically Anthony, Kyle, and Jason. . . and of course, Chris. He’s been cheering me on about it and promises to join me when I’d like the company.

I’ll be leaving for Melbourne on after a doctor visit on Wednesday. They’re drawing blood to see where my iron levels are. Woo! Soon- I’ll be receiving treatment!

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Life is constantly unfolding.  In RENT, friends who thought they’d be together forever split ways.

I recently became a boyfriend.

Another friend recently became single.

I’m feeling healthier than I have in a long time.  Another friend is about to undergo a liver biopsy.

Yet, as healthy as I feel . . I’m still going to die without proper treatment. . . Change Change Change.

Is it good?  Is it bad?  Why waste time on silly judgments?  Life just IS. . . so make the most of it.  Live for today.  By doing your best to make today worthwhile, you’ll be improving your life, and the lives of those who come along after you’re pwned by the good lord.

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For the first time, in a LOOOONG time, I can say my life is on the mend. I finally became sick and poor enough to qualify for charity. While it isn’t the most dignified way of not dying . . . help equals NOT DYING. I heart life, so I’ll do anything reasonable to keep mine. Plus, I want to outlive the few uncle-fuckers who wish me dead, because I refuse to give them the pleasure of coming to my funeral. *SCRATCH* Meow!

The charity is Christian-based and the people there are VERY friendly with the exception of the chaplain who hates Unity. I pwn him regularly in theological discussions, though, so It’s actually quite fun.

Stop. Did you notice something? I’m well enough to be spicy again. Not a bitch, just not a push-over or ghost. Even if you and I don’t know each other, you should probably stop and celebrate that fact. I have ENERGY again. Also, free drugs. . . Drugs which lower my blood sugar . . and almost killed me today. I’ll tell you why in a bit, I promise.

I’m no where near my healthiest, but I am sincerely thankful that I am NO WHERE near my my weakest, either. . . And I’m just going to continue to improve. I’m feeling like little Mario after eating the super mushroom. It’s like hugs from Jesus.

To top it all off, I’m in love.

After the failures I’ve experienced- I’m hesitant to introduce any new guys to you, my friends. I mean, I was JUST talking about Tai in the last entry. What makes this new guy so different?

Everything.

I’m not one given over to frivolous emotion. I’m not one to just DIVE into a pool without knowing its temperature, and likely, I’ve researched the effects of chlorinated water on my dry skin before tip-toeing in.

I swear to God I am NOT dain bramaged. This guy is positively amazing. If you haven’t tried OkCupid and you are even REMOTELY interested in finding a person . . Just sign up already.

According to OkCupid, Chris was my

76% Match, 83% Friend, 5% Enemy

That’s their emphasis, btw. I’m not that cheesy.

He finishes my sentences and knows the punchlines to all my silly jokes. . . Friggin’ scary . . . and amazing.

I mean, you guys will have to deal with two sarcastic queers, but we’re both so darn personable, you can’t help but love us. Woot. As silly as this seems . . . I can honestly say I love him.

We’ve had more fun than I could have ever imagined, and part of than fun involves hickeys. Hickeys mean exercise which lowers blood sugar. Blood sugar reducing medication, ummm . . . Obviously reduces blood sugar.

Today, I got up with Chris (Yep, I’m in Palm Bay aka Melbourne with him) had a little breakfast, got sleepy and laid down.

If it wasn’t a zillion degrees in here, and a loud crashing noise outside . . that could have been a permanent nap. . .

I tested my blood sugar this morning (without washing my hands first. tsk tsk) and it was unusually high. I took my medicine, ate the little snacky breakfast . . got tired and laid down . .

I really SHOULD have washed my hands. Either that, or my blood sugar dropped nearly 200 points in two hours. I went from 240-something to “LOW” on the glucometer. LOW = Below 70. I know the symptoms of low blood sugar, so I immediately made two casedeas, ate a box of pockey, and drank some milk. I could BARELY walk. I was dizzy. I was shaking inside, and I could barely see.

A little while after eating, the symptoms stopped.

I’m still feeling ill, but MUCH better than before.

Now, enjoy those pictures. (Yesh, they are hickeys. Neither of us have birth marks . . we’re just having a great time. )

See pics now. <3 Josh

(For those of you unfamiliar with the Internet, click the pic for a larger image. Looking at tiny pictures is bad for your eyes. Also, your Mom asked me to remind you not to sit so close to the screen- You’ll rot your brain. Oh, and call her. She misses you :-p)

<== It’s a hickey butterfly! Very rare!

<3 <3 <3

After a dinner of Fritos, Broccoli, and alcohol (If you’re late just be thankful there’s food left), I discovered I’m no Harry Potter expert. Gary is. Our friend Kim (No pic. Sorry.) is a close second.

It wrapped up when the gang left, then Gary, Keith, and I settled down to watch “Bridge to Terabithia” Wow. This is a beautiful show. I wouldn’t suggest it to your six-year-old, but I think my (almost) 13-year-old nephew would love it.

I came home, spoke with Jason (Getting the latest on “Charm School“) and then called Tai.

Tai? Yes. Tai. He’s a fashion student in Orlando, and God knows I could use some help in THAT area. “Armani” sounds like a fruit-filled pastry to me, but Tai believes otherwise. He’s a very bright, energetic, motivated former cheerleader and sword-fighting instructor. In other words: don’t mess with him, or he’ll “cut you” with a smile on his face— and then explain his technique.

He’s the type of guy who cleans the house while he talks on the phone . . Very active. Strangely enough, I don’t annoy him.

He’s okay, but I’m not sure . . . We’ll see.
Josh

The disease feeds depression, and depression feeds the disease. It’s complicated by the fact I visited a new doctor just a week ago. He isn’t convinced I have hemochromatosis. So, I’m going to a lab on Monday to have blood taken for DNA, liver, hepatitis, cancer, etc screenings, and seven weeks from now, we’ll have a clearer picture.

Many days, I feel like I could die from being tired. I was not prepared for this level of weakness.

Last night, Noah called and invited me to Village Inn. I hadn’t been out of the house in weeks (except for my Doctor excursion) and didn’t really feel like going out, but I agreed. They were closing soon, so I rushed to get ready and headed out the door to find my car had a flat tire.

I called Noah and asked if he could pick me up. My knight in shining convertible.

It doesn’t SEEM like much, but to me last night was everything. I’ve always wanted to ride in a convertible . . It’s something I promised my Grandma I’d do for her. . . Granted it wasn’t pink, and I wasn’t on the Las Vegas Strip . . . . It was still a convertible and it was amazing.

We rushed back to VI with Ska playing loudly and stayed until they turned out the lights. Noah then took me to Dunkin’ Dounuts so I could get a sugar free hazlenut iced coffee. Yum.

We stayed there for a few minutes talking with Reese, a fellow web geek, and drove to Circle Park (the pier) . . sat out by the lake and talked for a couple hours listening to music and talking about almost everything. I didn’t realize how much I missed kindness.

I’m Josh. Of course I’m kind. Of course I’m giving . . . That’s just . . who I am. It’s selfish in a way, because I feel happiness when I’m able to do good for others . . but . .

Last night- Looking at Lake Jackson and the stars, feeling the wind on my face in that shiny convertible- I realized. . . I need kindness too.

A good friend, simple car ride, coffee, music, and a gorgeous Florida night came together last night, and I realized how far away from “home” I’ve strayed. Enchanted nights used to be my “thing” . . but I allowed depression to force me away from home.

David doesn’t miss me. Most Sebring friends don’t either. I can continue to be bitter about it, but why? I know who I am. I know I’m a great guy and just because THEY stopped seeing it doesn’t mean I should too.

My knight in shining convertible reminded me of that. He swept me off my feet. Not in a romantic kissy kissy way . . but . . In a . .”Hey, you’re standing in a place you don’t want to be” way. Perhaps he knocked me off my feet, huh?

Thank God.

I was sure I’d NEVER be back.  I was happy, I was excited– I was branching out and feeling confident.  Time passed, and I started figuring stuff out.

We had passion, good intentions, and plenty of love.  But suddenly . . .
I’m back in Florida for us to “sort things out.”  Love endures all, and so- I’m afraid to admit to myself why I’m here.

I’m having lots of fun, guys, and I know this is an odd post to throw in the middle of all this happiness, but . . Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m not grieving.

We needed to “sort things out.”  Well, he did.  I knew what I wanted, and understood that very little in life worth having is brought about through instant gratification.

One can’t have an open, loving, joyful relationship without doing what’s necessary to maintain it.  You can’t put a compliment into the vending machine, and expect a box of chocolate-covered love drops to fall.  Neither can you stay “in love” because the other one used to be considerate.

He was working 60-80 hours (being paid for 20),  letting his “friend” overstep her bounds in our relationship, and keeping our relationship a secret. Many times, I felt like a stranger in public with him . . and I never even met his family out there. .

He hides his relationship status on MySpace, and sent me a birthday greeting labeled “Your Friend” which means he either considers us “friends” now . . or he didn’t take the few minutes necessary to say he loved me.

I’d ask, but he calls when I’m sleeping . . promising to speak with me soon.

Last night, he promised he’d be online to chat with me.

I waited two hours. . . hoping he was just caught up in a momentary distraction.  Hoping he wouldn’t really lie to me on my birthday.  He did.

I shouldn’t wait for someone to be serious about me.  If my docs are right, I might not have much “wait time,” and to be honest . .as emo as this sounds, I don’t want to die waiting to be loved.

Why do I want someone who isn’t crazy about me?  Why is it that, three years into our relationship, I’m back in Florida “sorting things out?”  Arguing was about the only time he’d reveal his emotions.  The rest of the time, he remained silent.

He had everything together once (he called me one of his passions), and I was deeply in love- not reminding myself that love endures all.  I saw what an amazing person he is.  Some circumstances knocked the winds from his sails, and now he’s so obsessed with regaining what he lost- he ignores what he has. . .

What was so important that it’s worth sacrificing the present moment for?

I often help people heal their lives, but not him.  He had passion once, but gave it up for comfort.  He tells me what he wants to do with his life, but there he is . . . working his ass off for people who don’t appreciate him, and he’s so busy searching for the past, he doesn’t see that “today” is all he has.

He sends me secret blog comments, he hides me on MySpace. . . and he identifies me as merely a friend.  When he’s around others, he won’t even end a call with “I love you.”  It’s always just “You too.”

We’ll always have the Highlands county fair, but was that one week worth all this pain?  He even has Jason, the ex roomate that fucking abused me on his top friends @ Myspace.  I want someone willing to stand up for me . .

Someone unafraid to love. . .

And as much as this hurts . . .right now . . .

that’s not him.

My advice?  Get off your ass and earn real life XP.

Not that I don’t play video games, I’ve just learned not to obsess.  Instead, I focus my energies on REAL Life.

I’m constantly amazed by the good springing forth in my life lately.  It all began with The Secret (Extended Edition) I can’t say enough good stuff about it.  My local friends should set a time to come over and watch it, because it’s really amazing stuff.

I’m doing things I’ve wanted to for so long, and suddenly — It’s manifesting.

I went shopping with Thor  on Wednesday afternoon, and had such a GREAT time.  We went to the big mall at Millinea (sp) and the outlet stores next to Mary Queen of the Universe church.  Next, we got lost.

An hour and a half later (10:30 pm or so) we were at Kobe Japanese Steakhouse on International Drive.  That night, neither of us stuck to our diets.  Sake + Sushi + Shrimp + Scallops = Sin.  Good sin.  Yummy, tasty, delicious, SIN!

I still lost two pounds!  So there.  It goes to show what cutting out extra snacks and crap will do for ya . . . You get to eat like a starving person once per week.

Friday, I met up with a really nice guy named  Noah. That led to hanging out with 13 new friends at Mugs & Movies to see The Number 23 starring Jim Carrey.   While I wasn’t really impressed by the movie, I was really impressed that such a great group of people existed in Sebring.  Noah’s a super-cool guy and I’m looking forward to the fun and nerdy stuff we’ll do.

I also bought lots of weight-loss stuff and became a gold card member at GNC.  The people there are so cool.  I can’t believe I felt intimidated walking past that place.  They told me they really eat cheeseburgers in the back room.  I fell in love instantly.

Other News: 

• I’m naming my bed “the gym.”
• I’m down to 265 pounds from an all-time high of 315 about a year ago.
• Thor has a MySpace
• My Grandpa’s 75th birthday surprise party today– He was shocked.
• I’ll be in Tampa with my sister tomorrow. (Today if you want to be technical.)
• I’ll be helping her friends purchase a computer, and setting it up for them like a good person.  Then my sister will feed me.
• I drink slime at least once per day.
• I also consume a good deal of caffeine.
• I like bulleted text.
• So I’ll type . . .
• Just a few more lines . . .
• To get my fix.

I had a great talk with Mike last night.  He’s a good friend, and I’m so glad we met. 

Magic is everywhere, and so . . I live for today, and I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.

(((Bear Hugs)))  Until next time.  Take care of yourself, okay?

I’ve been trying to get into “Dynamics for Living” by Charles Fillmore, but it was compiled in the 60′s and many of his examples don’t fit my everyday life.

I do, however, like that his “mission” is to prove God– and not ask anyone to believe anything by faith.  Pure logic and observation are being used to overcome doubts- instead of faith, smoke, and mirrors.

Right now, I’m chatting with my friend Tome on Meebo.com, listening to the radio, and enjoying the cool Florida breeze blowing through the open window of my parents’ dining room.

Tome recently came out to his boss and a good friend.  I’m very proud of him for having the courage to stand up and say “This is me, and I’m okay with it.”

It’s a big step.  Especialy in the U.S..  Self-acceptance is viewed by many as egotistical and shallow, when, in truth, It’s one of the most humble, honest, things one can do. 

Way to go, Tome.  I’m so proud of you!  Stand up, boy.  Be proud of who you are.  Now that you’re openly, honestly, embracing who you are- watch your life open all kinds of new, exciting opportunities.

I’ll be cheering you on!

First of all, I’m tired as hell, but it’s a good thing. I’ve spent the day with the greatest people I have ever known. One day, my heart will be mature enough to express the overwhelming sense of gratitude I feel. I’m grateful for my hubby, my friends, my family, and all of the wealth I’ve accumulated over the years.

You see, my bank account doesn’t understand how rich I am. I truely am a “rags to riches” story- straight out of the fairy tales.

Four years ago, I moved into a little one-bedroom apartment with somebody I loved a lot. He didn’t work, but he didn’t really have to. We were brokeass mountain, but “love” made me feel rich. Of course, it was really my desire to feel loved . . and not really love. I was in love with the IDEA.

A broken heart, and a WEALTH of knowledge later, I met David. Wow- what a complete breath of fresh air. We grew to love eachother pretty quickly, and had our somewhat rocky points, but we’re still together, and I love him more each and every day.

He’s shown me what real love is, and how to love even when I didn’t feel like it. Our love has grown over these last few years, and I pray everyday, that I can live up to expressing my gratitude for such amazing times.

While they haven’t been present in my everyday life, friends have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. At school, I was the smart “goody goody” that made people wanna puke, and found it difficult to interact with people around me. It’s not easy being the fat kid, but at least I looked fairly strong.

In the last few months, old friendships have blossomed, and new ones have grown. I am amazed how rich I am. My bank account DOESN’T understand!!!!! I had more fun with $40 today than many millionaires. I went to Lakeland with Keith and explored its mall, met a really cool preacher’s kid who now works at HotTopic, got a messenger bag, and ate some great shrimp!

Later this evening, we got back into Sebring, finished getting a few knicknacks for Keith’s halloween outfit, and then met up with Amanda, John, Jonathan, and THOR (he’s back from hiking)!!! Our waiter at Chili’s sucked ass, but it was so good being with everybody.

I find myself . . sitting back . . . and just . . drinking them in for a few moments. Everybody was laughing, joking, talking, and having a blast. Except Jonathan, but he’s bitchy like that. I still love him.

We parted ways, and Amanda, Keith, and I went back to her place. I saw my two ex-roomies who I’m working really hard to forgive .. outside Amanda’s, but I remained calm and casually ignored them.

Once inside, Keith put on his halloween costume for us . . and paraded around posing for pictures. I almost fell off Amanda’s sofa when Keith (who was a bit drunk) was posing on the kitchen counter raised up a bit too high and SMACKED his head into her light. She had just said “Watch your head!”

After hanging out til’ almost midnight, Keith took me back to my one-bedroom apartment.

I’ve spent some really great times here. I’ve had plenty of sucky ones, too. . . but soon. . . maybe tomorrow . . (actually today since it’s 5:00 a.m. and I can’t sleep) My time in this place will be done.

My roomie screwed me bigtime. I gave too much, perhaps. I should have thrown him out the first time he grabbed my arm in anger. A few months, and a dirty apartment later, he signed a lease on a new place- planning on me moving, too.

I asked him to clean up because we had a “move out” inspection, and instead of doing his fair share, I came home looking at a pig stye. Although I hadn’t eaten at home for over a month, he somehow felt I should clean the kitchen. . . and even though it was his feces on the floor of my bathroom, I should mop it up. I disagreed. Strongly.

Like any good abuser, he’s great at justifying his actions, and perhaps he’ll never be held to account for them. I take solace in the fact that I acted in integrity, and even though I was VERY VERY VERY PISSED, I gave him all of his stuff- and let him take things he had given to me in payment (aka the TV- because he hadn’t paid rent for 4 months).
One day, I’ll completely forgive/forget him and move on. Probably a lot sooner than him, because I don’t owe him anything.

As far as what he owes me . . . with his recent computer purchases, desks, furniture, and whatnot– although he promised to do the right thing and pay his share of the bills for the time he was here . . . I’d rather just free myself from being angry about the money. If he ever grows a conscience, he’ll do the right thing. I know his current BF tried sleeping with every person I brought over to hang out with. . . so . . . my ex-roomie will probably face the same challenge I face now. . . The good thing, however, is I have friends who love me for who I am. Video games and bacon make poor friends, dear ex-roomie. I sincerely hope you DON’T face this, because your support structure leaves much to be desired.

It happened in the early part of September. I couldn’t bring myself to write about it, because it’s painful. . but as my memories of him fade, and I spend time with my friends, my life improves.

The money is a small price to pay to remove abuse from my life. Many would give millions if they could.
I had a client ALSO break a contract with me. I don’t have the money to pursue him in court right now. While one problem or the other would have been critical but surmountable, the combination is more than my bank account can understand.

So, as rich as I am. . with experience . . life lessons . . friends . . love . . and family . .

I can’t sell them to pay my rent! Nor would I want to!!!

So, I might be offically “homeless” soon. Maybe today.
Okay, not “homeless” in the sleeping-under-a-bridge sense, but “homeless” in the “I’m rich with friends who love and care for me” sense.

Every need I’ve ever had has been met. Period. I will not die from this. Period.

So, it’s just a challenge, and a chance for more life lessons. I’m excited about what opportunities lay in store for me. Perhaps I went crazy when my roomie attacked me, but I’m going to enjoy my insanity as long as it lasts.

I am driving to California very soon. . . to be with David, the love of my life.

It might be tight for a while, of course, it might NOT be, either. We’re pretty good together as far as money-making goes.

Either way, this might be my last blog entry for a while.

Wish me luck, please. Pray if you like. Just call me sometime and make sure I’m eating, and I have enough time on my World of Warcraft account!

Your wealthy friend,

Josh