Believe.

A few months ago, I left Florida for somebody else.

I was sure I’d NEVER be back.  I was happy, I was excited– I was branching out and feeling confident.  Time passed, and I started figuring stuff out.

We had passion, good intentions, and plenty of love.  But suddenly . . .
I’m back in Florida for us to “sort things out.”  Love endures all, and so- I’m afraid to admit to myself why I’m here.

I’m having lots of fun, guys, and I know this is an odd post to throw in the middle of all this happiness, but . . Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m not grieving.

We needed to “sort things out.”  Well, he did.  I knew what I wanted, and understood that very little in life worth having is brought about through instant gratification.

One can’t have an open, loving, joyful relationship without doing what’s necessary to maintain it.  You can’t put a compliment into the vending machine, and expect a box of chocolate-covered love drops to fall.  Neither can you stay “in love” because the other one used to be considerate.

He was working 60-80 hours (being paid for 20),  letting his “friend” overstep her bounds in our relationship, and keeping our relationship a secret. Many times, I felt like a stranger in public with him . . and I never even met his family out there. .

He hides his relationship status on MySpace, and sent me a birthday greeting labeled “Your Friend” which means he either considers us “friends” now . . or he didn’t take the few minutes necessary to say he loved me.

I’d ask, but he calls when I’m sleeping . . promising to speak with me soon.

Last night, he promised he’d be online to chat with me.

I waited two hours. . . hoping he was just caught up in a momentary distraction.  Hoping he wouldn’t really lie to me on my birthday.  He did.

I shouldn’t wait for someone to be serious about me.  If my docs are right, I might not have much “wait time,” and to be honest . .as emo as this sounds, I don’t want to die waiting to be loved.

Why do I want someone who isn’t crazy about me?  Why is it that, three years into our relationship, I’m back in Florida “sorting things out?”  Arguing was about the only time he’d reveal his emotions.  The rest of the time, he remained silent.

He had everything together once (he called me one of his passions), and I was deeply in love- not reminding myself that love endures all.  I saw what an amazing person he is.  Some circumstances knocked the winds from his sails, and now he’s so obsessed with regaining what he lost- he ignores what he has. . .

What was so important that it’s worth sacrificing the present moment for?

I often help people heal their lives, but not him.  He had passion once, but gave it up for comfort.  He tells me what he wants to do with his life, but there he is . . . working his ass off for people who don’t appreciate him, and he’s so busy searching for the past, he doesn’t see that “today” is all he has.

He sends me secret blog comments, he hides me on MySpace. . . and he identifies me as merely a friend.  When he’s around others, he won’t even end a call with “I love you.”  It’s always just “You too.”

We’ll always have the Highlands county fair, but was that one week worth all this pain?  He even has Jason, the ex roomate that fucking abused me on his top friends @ Myspace.  I want someone willing to stand up for me . .

Someone unafraid to love. . .

And as much as this hurts . . .right now . . .

that’s not him.

Often, gamers obsess about reaching the next level.  Frantically searching through dungeons for their next XP fix, they inhale every speck of experience they can find.

My advice?  Get off your ass and earn real life XP.

Not that I don’t play video games, I’ve just learned not to obsess.  Instead, I focus my energies on REAL Life.

I’m constantly amazed by the good springing forth in my life lately.  It all began with The Secret (Extended Edition) I can’t say enough good stuff about it.  My local friends should set a time to come over and watch it, because it’s really amazing stuff.

I’m doing things I’ve wanted to for so long, and suddenly — It’s manifesting.

I went shopping with Thor  on Wednesday afternoon, and had such a GREAT time.  We went to the big mall at Millinea (sp) and the outlet stores next to Mary Queen of the Universe church.  Next, we got lost.

An hour and a half later (10:30 pm or so) we were at Kobe Japanese Steakhouse on International Drive.  That night, neither of us stuck to our diets.  Sake + Sushi + Shrimp + Scallops = Sin.  Good sin.  Yummy, tasty, delicious, SIN!

I still lost two pounds!  So there.  It goes to show what cutting out extra snacks and crap will do for ya . . . You get to eat like a starving person once per week.

Friday, I met up with a really nice guy named  Noah. That led to hanging out with 13 new friends at Mugs & Movies to see The Number 23 starring Jim Carrey.   While I wasn’t really impressed by the movie, I was really impressed that such a great group of people existed in Sebring.  Noah’s a super-cool guy and I’m looking forward to the fun and nerdy stuff we’ll do.

I also bought lots of weight-loss stuff and became a gold card member at GNC.  The people there are so cool.  I can’t believe I felt intimidated walking past that place.  They told me they really eat cheeseburgers in the back room.  I fell in love instantly.

Other News: 

• I’m naming my bed “the gym.”
• I’m down to 265 pounds from an all-time high of 315 about a year ago.
• Thor has a MySpace
• My Grandpa’s 75th birthday surprise party today– He was shocked.
• I’ll be in Tampa with my sister tomorrow. (Today if you want to be technical.)
• I’ll be helping her friends purchase a computer, and setting it up for them like a good person.  Then my sister will feed me.
• I drink slime at least once per day.
• I also consume a good deal of caffeine.
• I like bulleted text.
• So I’ll type . . .
• Just a few more lines . . .
• To get my fix.

I had a great talk with Mike last night.  He’s a good friend, and I’m so glad we met. 

Magic is everywhere, and so . . I live for today, and I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.

(((Bear Hugs)))  Until next time.  Take care of yourself, okay?

Has been a bit boring.  MySpace, Facebook, MySpace, Facebook . . so goes my life today.

I’ve been trying to get into “Dynamics for Living” by Charles Fillmore, but it was compiled in the 60′s and many of his examples don’t fit my everyday life.

I do, however, like that his “mission” is to prove God– and not ask anyone to believe anything by faith.  Pure logic and observation are being used to overcome doubts- instead of faith, smoke, and mirrors.

Right now, I’m chatting with my friend Tome on Meebo.com, listening to the radio, and enjoying the cool Florida breeze blowing through the open window of my parents’ dining room.

Tome recently came out to his boss and a good friend.  I’m very proud of him for having the courage to stand up and say “This is me, and I’m okay with it.”

It’s a big step.  Especialy in the U.S..  Self-acceptance is viewed by many as egotistical and shallow, when, in truth, It’s one of the most humble, honest, things one can do. 

Way to go, Tome.  I’m so proud of you!  Stand up, boy.  Be proud of who you are.  Now that you’re openly, honestly, embracing who you are- watch your life open all kinds of new, exciting opportunities.

I’ll be cheering you on!