I was up and emailing clients by Ten. Woo! Dad made breakfast, too. That was great.

He and I went to the auto parts store and purchased a tire patch kit, and various other gadgets we’d need to plug my tire. . . Spent a couple hours with him total- doing odds and ends with the car . .and I also bought him some Hazelnut Iced coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts.

Spent the rest of the day between the car, good conversations, and a few IM sessions with friends. Chris <3 and I had a really great text message exchange today, too. I’ll be seeing him SOOOON!!!!! (Less than 48 hours!)

Just a quick note re: my car. I purchased it from my sister in August of 2006– a little over a year ago. While cleaning it out today, I removed her stuff. What does this mean? For the first time in one year– I have the energy to be mostly “normal”. I cleaned out my car. . . and I’m not in the hospital with excruciating pain tonight. This is definitely a victory. I had the energy! I am so happy.

I didn’t go on my walk tonight– as I really busted ass with my car and spent most of the day on my feet. I’m content with today. Tonight, I’ll snuggle into my plaid wonderland with a smile on my face and a tiny whisper . . . “Well done.”

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Last night . . something I really needed happened. I won’t dig too deeply, here, as writing would barely scratch the surface.

I finally had closure with my ex.

I never could quantify what precipitated my breakup with David, and it bugged me. Would I make the same inconspicuous mistake again? What if I run off this beautiful, amazing guy (Chris), too? Am I cursed with some form of relationship-screwing secret powers?

Nope! I’m fine. Great, in fact (according to David). He and I were always better friends than anything else, and I’m quite thankful that our friendship is genuinely restored.

Quick note- Facebook users– This is an imported note . .meaning . . It’s streamed from my real blog. Somebody believed I was writing articles about Chris that he couldn’t see . . because he doesn’t have a facebook acct. To the contrary, this is published on my public blog for the world to see. (Hello, world!)

I’ve been going on nightly walks, and I really appreciate the friends keeping me company via phone; Specifically Anthony, Kyle, and Jason. . . and of course, Chris. He’s been cheering me on about it and promises to join me when I’d like the company.

I’ll be leaving for Melbourne on after a doctor visit on Wednesday. They’re drawing blood to see where my iron levels are. Woo! Soon- I’ll be receiving treatment!

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Tags: funny, relationships, facebook, friends, exercise, health

LITTLE THINGS

Lord, in the little things, I pray,
The unrecorded, everyday,
Passing events, may I take joy.
May I have always a small-boy
Mind that can give itself to each
Moment and does not have to reach
Forever for what is not there,
But finds contentment anywhere;
For I would have no need of wings
But what the winged moment brings.

How few the triumphs or defeats
That the most noted person meets!
But every moment, thought by thought
And act by act, a life is wrought,
A life is lived—and I would learn
To live each moment in its turn.
Lord, in the little things, I pray,
The little acts of every day,
Let me find joy. Then I shall be
Contented with eternity.
James Dillet Freeman

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Life is constantly unfolding.  In RENT, friends who thought they’d be together forever split ways.

I recently became a boyfriend.

Another friend recently became single.

I’m feeling healthier than I have in a long time.  Another friend is about to undergo a liver biopsy.

Yet, as healthy as I feel . . I’m still going to die without proper treatment. . . Change Change Change.

Is it good?  Is it bad?  Why waste time on silly judgments?  Life just IS. . . so make the most of it.  Live for today.  By doing your best to make today worthwhile, you’ll be improving your life, and the lives of those who come along after you’re pwned by the good lord.

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Tags: Rent, dating, life

For the first time, in a LOOOONG time, I can say my life is on the mend. I finally became sick and poor enough to qualify for charity. While it isn’t the most dignified way of not dying . . . help equals NOT DYING. I heart life, so I’ll do anything reasonable to keep mine. Plus, I want to outlive the few uncle-fuckers who wish me dead, because I refuse to give them the pleasure of coming to my funeral. *SCRATCH* Meow!

The charity is Christian-based and the people there are VERY friendly with the exception of the chaplain who hates Unity. I pwn him regularly in theological discussions, though, so It’s actually quite fun.

Stop. Did you notice something? I’m well enough to be spicy again. Not a bitch, just not a push-over or ghost. Even if you and I don’t know each other, you should probably stop and celebrate that fact. I have ENERGY again. Also, free drugs. . . Drugs which lower my blood sugar . . and almost killed me today. I’ll tell you why in a bit, I promise.

I’m no where near my healthiest, but I am sincerely thankful that I am NO WHERE near my my weakest, either. . . And I’m just going to continue to improve. I’m feeling like little Mario after eating the super mushroom. It’s like hugs from Jesus.

To top it all off, I’m in love.

After the failures I’ve experienced- I’m hesitant to introduce any new guys to you, my friends. I mean, I was JUST talking about Tai in the last entry. What makes this new guy so different?

Everything.

I’m not one given over to frivolous emotion. I’m not one to just DIVE into a pool without knowing its temperature, and likely, I’ve researched the effects of chlorinated water on my dry skin before tip-toeing in.

I swear to God I am NOT dain bramaged. This guy is positively amazing. If you haven’t tried OkCupid and you are even REMOTELY interested in finding a person . . Just sign up already.

According to OkCupid, Chris was my

76% Match, 83% Friend, 5% Enemy

That’s their emphasis, btw. I’m not that cheesy.

He finishes my sentences and knows the punchlines to all my silly jokes. . . Friggin’ scary . . . and amazing.

I mean, you guys will have to deal with two sarcastic queers, but we’re both so darn personable, you can’t help but love us. Woot. As silly as this seems . . . I can honestly say I love him.

We’ve had more fun than I could have ever imagined, and part of than fun involves hickeys. Hickeys mean exercise which lowers blood sugar. Blood sugar reducing medication, ummm . . . Obviously reduces blood sugar.

Today, I got up with Chris (Yep, I’m in Palm Bay aka Melbourne with him) had a little breakfast, got sleepy and laid down.

If it wasn’t a zillion degrees in here, and a loud crashing noise outside . . that could have been a permanent nap. . .

I tested my blood sugar this morning (without washing my hands first. tsk tsk) and it was unusually high. I took my medicine, ate the little snacky breakfast . . got tired and laid down . .

I really SHOULD have washed my hands. Either that, or my blood sugar dropped nearly 200 points in two hours. I went from 240-something to “LOW” on the glucometer. LOW = Below 70. I know the symptoms of low blood sugar, so I immediately made two casedeas, ate a box of pockey, and drank some milk. I could BARELY walk. I was dizzy. I was shaking inside, and I could barely see.

A little while after eating, the symptoms stopped.

I’m still feeling ill, but MUCH better than before.

Now, enjoy those pictures. (Yesh, they are hickeys. Neither of us have birth marks . . we’re just having a great time. )

See pics now. <3 Josh

(For those of you unfamiliar with the Internet, click the pic for a larger image. Looking at tiny pictures is bad for your eyes. Also, your Mom asked me to remind you not to sit so close to the screen- You’ll rot your brain. Oh, and call her. She misses you :-p)

<== It’s a hickey butterfly! Very rare!

<3 <3 <3

The disease feeds depression, and depression feeds the disease. It’s complicated by the fact I visited a new doctor just a week ago. He isn’t convinced I have hemochromatosis. So, I’m going to a lab on Monday to have blood taken for DNA, liver, hepatitis, cancer, etc screenings, and seven weeks from now, we’ll have a clearer picture.

Many days, I feel like I could die from being tired. I was not prepared for this level of weakness.

Last night, Noah called and invited me to Village Inn. I hadn’t been out of the house in weeks (except for my Doctor excursion) and didn’t really feel like going out, but I agreed. They were closing soon, so I rushed to get ready and headed out the door to find my car had a flat tire.

I called Noah and asked if he could pick me up. My knight in shining convertible.

It doesn’t SEEM like much, but to me last night was everything. I’ve always wanted to ride in a convertible . . It’s something I promised my Grandma I’d do for her. . . Granted it wasn’t pink, and I wasn’t on the Las Vegas Strip . . . . It was still a convertible and it was amazing.

We rushed back to VI with Ska playing loudly and stayed until they turned out the lights. Noah then took me to Dunkin’ Dounuts so I could get a sugar free hazlenut iced coffee. Yum.

We stayed there for a few minutes talking with Reese, a fellow web geek, and drove to Circle Park (the pier) . . sat out by the lake and talked for a couple hours listening to music and talking about almost everything. I didn’t realize how much I missed kindness.

I’m Josh. Of course I’m kind. Of course I’m giving . . . That’s just . . who I am. It’s selfish in a way, because I feel happiness when I’m able to do good for others . . but . .

Last night- Looking at Lake Jackson and the stars, feeling the wind on my face in that shiny convertible- I realized. . . I need kindness too.

A good friend, simple car ride, coffee, music, and a gorgeous Florida night came together last night, and I realized how far away from “home” I’ve strayed. Enchanted nights used to be my “thing” . . but I allowed depression to force me away from home.

David doesn’t miss me. Most Sebring friends don’t either. I can continue to be bitter about it, but why? I know who I am. I know I’m a great guy and just because THEY stopped seeing it doesn’t mean I should too.

My knight in shining convertible reminded me of that. He swept me off my feet. Not in a romantic kissy kissy way . . but . . In a . .”Hey, you’re standing in a place you don’t want to be” way. Perhaps he knocked me off my feet, huh?

Thank God.

. . . with someone a zillion miles from me.

Stupid Geography!

Please.

I know I can be pretty negative, but I bounce back. Why do you insist on staying upset?

Why do I do this to myself? Talking with someone who sees the bad far more often than the good . . .

Optimism- Maybe one day you won’t crucify yourself so often.

I was sure I’d NEVER be back.  I was happy, I was excited– I was branching out and feeling confident.  Time passed, and I started figuring stuff out.

We had passion, good intentions, and plenty of love.  But suddenly . . .
I’m back in Florida for us to “sort things out.”  Love endures all, and so- I’m afraid to admit to myself why I’m here.

I’m having lots of fun, guys, and I know this is an odd post to throw in the middle of all this happiness, but . . Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m not grieving.

We needed to “sort things out.”  Well, he did.  I knew what I wanted, and understood that very little in life worth having is brought about through instant gratification.

One can’t have an open, loving, joyful relationship without doing what’s necessary to maintain it.  You can’t put a compliment into the vending machine, and expect a box of chocolate-covered love drops to fall.  Neither can you stay “in love” because the other one used to be considerate.

He was working 60-80 hours (being paid for 20),  letting his “friend” overstep her bounds in our relationship, and keeping our relationship a secret. Many times, I felt like a stranger in public with him . . and I never even met his family out there. .

He hides his relationship status on MySpace, and sent me a birthday greeting labeled “Your Friend” which means he either considers us “friends” now . . or he didn’t take the few minutes necessary to say he loved me.

I’d ask, but he calls when I’m sleeping . . promising to speak with me soon.

Last night, he promised he’d be online to chat with me.

I waited two hours. . . hoping he was just caught up in a momentary distraction.  Hoping he wouldn’t really lie to me on my birthday.  He did.

I shouldn’t wait for someone to be serious about me.  If my docs are right, I might not have much “wait time,” and to be honest . .as emo as this sounds, I don’t want to die waiting to be loved.

Why do I want someone who isn’t crazy about me?  Why is it that, three years into our relationship, I’m back in Florida “sorting things out?”  Arguing was about the only time he’d reveal his emotions.  The rest of the time, he remained silent.

He had everything together once (he called me one of his passions), and I was deeply in love- not reminding myself that love endures all.  I saw what an amazing person he is.  Some circumstances knocked the winds from his sails, and now he’s so obsessed with regaining what he lost- he ignores what he has. . .

What was so important that it’s worth sacrificing the present moment for?

I often help people heal their lives, but not him.  He had passion once, but gave it up for comfort.  He tells me what he wants to do with his life, but there he is . . . working his ass off for people who don’t appreciate him, and he’s so busy searching for the past, he doesn’t see that “today” is all he has.

He sends me secret blog comments, he hides me on MySpace. . . and he identifies me as merely a friend.  When he’s around others, he won’t even end a call with “I love you.”  It’s always just “You too.”

We’ll always have the Highlands county fair, but was that one week worth all this pain?  He even has Jason, the ex roomate that fucking abused me on his top friends @ Myspace.  I want someone willing to stand up for me . .

Someone unafraid to love. . .

And as much as this hurts . . .right now . . .

that’s not him.

My advice?  Get off your ass and earn real life XP.

Not that I don’t play video games, I’ve just learned not to obsess.  Instead, I focus my energies on REAL Life.

I’m constantly amazed by the good springing forth in my life lately.  It all began with The Secret (Extended Edition) I can’t say enough good stuff about it.  My local friends should set a time to come over and watch it, because it’s really amazing stuff.

I’m doing things I’ve wanted to for so long, and suddenly — It’s manifesting.

I went shopping with Thor  on Wednesday afternoon, and had such a GREAT time.  We went to the big mall at Millinea (sp) and the outlet stores next to Mary Queen of the Universe church.  Next, we got lost.

An hour and a half later (10:30 pm or so) we were at Kobe Japanese Steakhouse on International Drive.  That night, neither of us stuck to our diets.  Sake + Sushi + Shrimp + Scallops = Sin.  Good sin.  Yummy, tasty, delicious, SIN!

I still lost two pounds!  So there.  It goes to show what cutting out extra snacks and crap will do for ya . . . You get to eat like a starving person once per week.

Friday, I met up with a really nice guy named  Noah. That led to hanging out with 13 new friends at Mugs & Movies to see The Number 23 starring Jim Carrey.   While I wasn’t really impressed by the movie, I was really impressed that such a great group of people existed in Sebring.  Noah’s a super-cool guy and I’m looking forward to the fun and nerdy stuff we’ll do.

I also bought lots of weight-loss stuff and became a gold card member at GNC.  The people there are so cool.  I can’t believe I felt intimidated walking past that place.  They told me they really eat cheeseburgers in the back room.  I fell in love instantly.

Other News: 

• I’m naming my bed “the gym.”
• I’m down to 265 pounds from an all-time high of 315 about a year ago.
• Thor has a MySpace
• My Grandpa’s 75th birthday surprise party today– He was shocked.
• I’ll be in Tampa with my sister tomorrow. (Today if you want to be technical.)
• I’ll be helping her friends purchase a computer, and setting it up for them like a good person.  Then my sister will feed me.
• I drink slime at least once per day.
• I also consume a good deal of caffeine.
• I like bulleted text.
• So I’ll type . . .
• Just a few more lines . . .
• To get my fix.

I had a great talk with Mike last night.  He’s a good friend, and I’m so glad we met. 

Magic is everywhere, and so . . I live for today, and I’m happier than I’ve been in a long time.

(((Bear Hugs)))  Until next time.  Take care of yourself, okay?