LITTLE THINGS

Lord, in the little things, I pray,
The unrecorded, everyday,
Passing events, may I take joy.
May I have always a small-boy
Mind that can give itself to each
Moment and does not have to reach
Forever for what is not there,
But finds contentment anywhere;
For I would have no need of wings
But what the winged moment brings.

How few the triumphs or defeats
That the most noted person meets!
But every moment, thought by thought
And act by act, a life is wrought,
A life is lived—and I would learn
To live each moment in its turn.
Lord, in the little things, I pray,
The little acts of every day,
Let me find joy. Then I shall be
Contented with eternity.
James Dillet Freeman

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Life is constantly unfolding.  In RENT, friends who thought they’d be together forever split ways.

I recently became a boyfriend.

Another friend recently became single.

I’m feeling healthier than I have in a long time.  Another friend is about to undergo a liver biopsy.

Yet, as healthy as I feel . . I’m still going to die without proper treatment. . . Change Change Change.

Is it good?  Is it bad?  Why waste time on silly judgments?  Life just IS. . . so make the most of it.  Live for today.  By doing your best to make today worthwhile, you’ll be improving your life, and the lives of those who come along after you’re pwned by the good lord.

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Tags: Rent, dating, life

The disease feeds depression, and depression feeds the disease. It’s complicated by the fact I visited a new doctor just a week ago. He isn’t convinced I have hemochromatosis. So, I’m going to a lab on Monday to have blood taken for DNA, liver, hepatitis, cancer, etc screenings, and seven weeks from now, we’ll have a clearer picture.

Many days, I feel like I could die from being tired. I was not prepared for this level of weakness.

Last night, Noah called and invited me to Village Inn. I hadn’t been out of the house in weeks (except for my Doctor excursion) and didn’t really feel like going out, but I agreed. They were closing soon, so I rushed to get ready and headed out the door to find my car had a flat tire.

I called Noah and asked if he could pick me up. My knight in shining convertible.

It doesn’t SEEM like much, but to me last night was everything. I’ve always wanted to ride in a convertible . . It’s something I promised my Grandma I’d do for her. . . Granted it wasn’t pink, and I wasn’t on the Las Vegas Strip . . . . It was still a convertible and it was amazing.

We rushed back to VI with Ska playing loudly and stayed until they turned out the lights. Noah then took me to Dunkin’ Dounuts so I could get a sugar free hazlenut iced coffee. Yum.

We stayed there for a few minutes talking with Reese, a fellow web geek, and drove to Circle Park (the pier) . . sat out by the lake and talked for a couple hours listening to music and talking about almost everything. I didn’t realize how much I missed kindness.

I’m Josh. Of course I’m kind. Of course I’m giving . . . That’s just . . who I am. It’s selfish in a way, because I feel happiness when I’m able to do good for others . . but . .

Last night- Looking at Lake Jackson and the stars, feeling the wind on my face in that shiny convertible- I realized. . . I need kindness too.

A good friend, simple car ride, coffee, music, and a gorgeous Florida night came together last night, and I realized how far away from “home” I’ve strayed. Enchanted nights used to be my “thing” . . but I allowed depression to force me away from home.

David doesn’t miss me. Most Sebring friends don’t either. I can continue to be bitter about it, but why? I know who I am. I know I’m a great guy and just because THEY stopped seeing it doesn’t mean I should too.

My knight in shining convertible reminded me of that. He swept me off my feet. Not in a romantic kissy kissy way . . but . . In a . .”Hey, you’re standing in a place you don’t want to be” way. Perhaps he knocked me off my feet, huh?

Thank God.

I was sure I’d NEVER be back.  I was happy, I was excited– I was branching out and feeling confident.  Time passed, and I started figuring stuff out.

We had passion, good intentions, and plenty of love.  But suddenly . . .
I’m back in Florida for us to “sort things out.”  Love endures all, and so- I’m afraid to admit to myself why I’m here.

I’m having lots of fun, guys, and I know this is an odd post to throw in the middle of all this happiness, but . . Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m not grieving.

We needed to “sort things out.”  Well, he did.  I knew what I wanted, and understood that very little in life worth having is brought about through instant gratification.

One can’t have an open, loving, joyful relationship without doing what’s necessary to maintain it.  You can’t put a compliment into the vending machine, and expect a box of chocolate-covered love drops to fall.  Neither can you stay “in love” because the other one used to be considerate.

He was working 60-80 hours (being paid for 20),  letting his “friend” overstep her bounds in our relationship, and keeping our relationship a secret. Many times, I felt like a stranger in public with him . . and I never even met his family out there. .

He hides his relationship status on MySpace, and sent me a birthday greeting labeled “Your Friend” which means he either considers us “friends” now . . or he didn’t take the few minutes necessary to say he loved me.

I’d ask, but he calls when I’m sleeping . . promising to speak with me soon.

Last night, he promised he’d be online to chat with me.

I waited two hours. . . hoping he was just caught up in a momentary distraction.  Hoping he wouldn’t really lie to me on my birthday.  He did.

I shouldn’t wait for someone to be serious about me.  If my docs are right, I might not have much “wait time,” and to be honest . .as emo as this sounds, I don’t want to die waiting to be loved.

Why do I want someone who isn’t crazy about me?  Why is it that, three years into our relationship, I’m back in Florida “sorting things out?”  Arguing was about the only time he’d reveal his emotions.  The rest of the time, he remained silent.

He had everything together once (he called me one of his passions), and I was deeply in love- not reminding myself that love endures all.  I saw what an amazing person he is.  Some circumstances knocked the winds from his sails, and now he’s so obsessed with regaining what he lost- he ignores what he has. . .

What was so important that it’s worth sacrificing the present moment for?

I often help people heal their lives, but not him.  He had passion once, but gave it up for comfort.  He tells me what he wants to do with his life, but there he is . . . working his ass off for people who don’t appreciate him, and he’s so busy searching for the past, he doesn’t see that “today” is all he has.

He sends me secret blog comments, he hides me on MySpace. . . and he identifies me as merely a friend.  When he’s around others, he won’t even end a call with “I love you.”  It’s always just “You too.”

We’ll always have the Highlands county fair, but was that one week worth all this pain?  He even has Jason, the ex roomate that fucking abused me on his top friends @ Myspace.  I want someone willing to stand up for me . .

Someone unafraid to love. . .

And as much as this hurts . . .right now . . .

that’s not him.

I’m in Tampa, and for the next few days, it’s just God and me.  I know that sounds lame, but so be it.

Once upon a time, there was a dude named Jacob.  He had pissed off his brother, and let me tell ya- the brotha wanted to bus’ a cap in Jacob’s ass.   So, Jacob fled to a distant land, started a family, became fairly wealthy, and waited for his brother to stop bing pissed.

The whole time Jacob was with his family- they never really understood who he was.  It wasn’t that they didn’t love him, or WANT to understand, but he was without his roots, his culture, without what was worth pissing his brother off for.

He decided to return home– to show his family who he really was- to find his roots. . .and to live in the land God promised him.

During his trek home, Jacob reached a ford (not the car!) called “Jabbok.”  Literally translated, it was “The place of deadness.”

He sent his family over the stream, but lingered behind to pray.  There he was- all alone- with nothing but what he needed to survive keeping him company.

That night, a man appeared and began to wrestle with Jacob.  For hours and hours, Jacob struggled with the mysterious man.

Finally, as the sun was beginning to rise, the man cried out for Jacob to release him.  “I won’t let go until you bless me,” Jacob cried.  With that, the man reached out, touched Jacob’s hip, and immediately it popped out of place.  Determined to win the blesssing, Jacob kept struggling with the (obviously supernatural) man.

The man eventually gave up, and blessed Jacob- chaning his name to “Israel” which means “Prince with God.”  Much better than Jacob, which means “liar.”

My family and (some) friends don’t understand how much I NEED to go to California- Spirit is drawing me there, and I don’t exactly know why.  David is an obvious reason, but I think this is about my unfoldment as an individual, too.  I can’t help but draw some inspiration and insight from the biblical myth story I just shared with you.  Check this out . .

1. Jacob left his family and his stuff to go where he felt he needed to be.  Even though the place he needed to be seemed undesirable.  (I don’t think I’d ever name an amusement park “Place of Deadness!”)
2. Jacob was in this undesirable place with nothing but what he needed to survive.
3. He struggled his ass off.
4. Then he struggled his hip off. . . but he kept fighting.
5. He earned his blessing.

This encounter is what is described in theological terms as a Theophany- a visible manifstation of God.  Why?  Jacob named the place “Peniel” meaning “I have seen God face to face and lived.”

From that day forward, Jacob walked with a limp.  The man never healed him.  Sometimes, when you’re truly blessed, you’re marked by it.  This lesson touched Jacob. . . limp and all, he was NEVER the same.  So, friends, as I wrestle, I’ll keep a smile on my face.  I know the blesser is here with me now, and as my blessing unfolds, I will NEVER be the same.

Love,

Josh
P.S. I’m in Tampa now, so if you live there, hit me up on my cell phone (863) 257-3411!

First of all, I’m tired as hell, but it’s a good thing. I’ve spent the day with the greatest people I have ever known. One day, my heart will be mature enough to express the overwhelming sense of gratitude I feel. I’m grateful for my hubby, my friends, my family, and all of the wealth I’ve accumulated over the years.

You see, my bank account doesn’t understand how rich I am. I truely am a “rags to riches” story- straight out of the fairy tales.

Four years ago, I moved into a little one-bedroom apartment with somebody I loved a lot. He didn’t work, but he didn’t really have to. We were brokeass mountain, but “love” made me feel rich. Of course, it was really my desire to feel loved . . and not really love. I was in love with the IDEA.

A broken heart, and a WEALTH of knowledge later, I met David. Wow- what a complete breath of fresh air. We grew to love eachother pretty quickly, and had our somewhat rocky points, but we’re still together, and I love him more each and every day.

He’s shown me what real love is, and how to love even when I didn’t feel like it. Our love has grown over these last few years, and I pray everyday, that I can live up to expressing my gratitude for such amazing times.

While they haven’t been present in my everyday life, friends have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. At school, I was the smart “goody goody” that made people wanna puke, and found it difficult to interact with people around me. It’s not easy being the fat kid, but at least I looked fairly strong.

In the last few months, old friendships have blossomed, and new ones have grown. I am amazed how rich I am. My bank account DOESN’T understand!!!!! I had more fun with $40 today than many millionaires. I went to Lakeland with Keith and explored its mall, met a really cool preacher’s kid who now works at HotTopic, got a messenger bag, and ate some great shrimp!

Later this evening, we got back into Sebring, finished getting a few knicknacks for Keith’s halloween outfit, and then met up with Amanda, John, Jonathan, and THOR (he’s back from hiking)!!! Our waiter at Chili’s sucked ass, but it was so good being with everybody.

I find myself . . sitting back . . . and just . . drinking them in for a few moments. Everybody was laughing, joking, talking, and having a blast. Except Jonathan, but he’s bitchy like that. I still love him.

We parted ways, and Amanda, Keith, and I went back to her place. I saw my two ex-roomies who I’m working really hard to forgive .. outside Amanda’s, but I remained calm and casually ignored them.

Once inside, Keith put on his halloween costume for us . . and paraded around posing for pictures. I almost fell off Amanda’s sofa when Keith (who was a bit drunk) was posing on the kitchen counter raised up a bit too high and SMACKED his head into her light. She had just said “Watch your head!”

After hanging out til’ almost midnight, Keith took me back to my one-bedroom apartment.

I’ve spent some really great times here. I’ve had plenty of sucky ones, too. . . but soon. . . maybe tomorrow . . (actually today since it’s 5:00 a.m. and I can’t sleep) My time in this place will be done.

My roomie screwed me bigtime. I gave too much, perhaps. I should have thrown him out the first time he grabbed my arm in anger. A few months, and a dirty apartment later, he signed a lease on a new place- planning on me moving, too.

I asked him to clean up because we had a “move out” inspection, and instead of doing his fair share, I came home looking at a pig stye. Although I hadn’t eaten at home for over a month, he somehow felt I should clean the kitchen. . . and even though it was his feces on the floor of my bathroom, I should mop it up. I disagreed. Strongly.

Like any good abuser, he’s great at justifying his actions, and perhaps he’ll never be held to account for them. I take solace in the fact that I acted in integrity, and even though I was VERY VERY VERY PISSED, I gave him all of his stuff- and let him take things he had given to me in payment (aka the TV- because he hadn’t paid rent for 4 months).
One day, I’ll completely forgive/forget him and move on. Probably a lot sooner than him, because I don’t owe him anything.

As far as what he owes me . . . with his recent computer purchases, desks, furniture, and whatnot– although he promised to do the right thing and pay his share of the bills for the time he was here . . . I’d rather just free myself from being angry about the money. If he ever grows a conscience, he’ll do the right thing. I know his current BF tried sleeping with every person I brought over to hang out with. . . so . . . my ex-roomie will probably face the same challenge I face now. . . The good thing, however, is I have friends who love me for who I am. Video games and bacon make poor friends, dear ex-roomie. I sincerely hope you DON’T face this, because your support structure leaves much to be desired.

It happened in the early part of September. I couldn’t bring myself to write about it, because it’s painful. . but as my memories of him fade, and I spend time with my friends, my life improves.

The money is a small price to pay to remove abuse from my life. Many would give millions if they could.
I had a client ALSO break a contract with me. I don’t have the money to pursue him in court right now. While one problem or the other would have been critical but surmountable, the combination is more than my bank account can understand.

So, as rich as I am. . with experience . . life lessons . . friends . . love . . and family . .

I can’t sell them to pay my rent! Nor would I want to!!!

So, I might be offically “homeless” soon. Maybe today.
Okay, not “homeless” in the sleeping-under-a-bridge sense, but “homeless” in the “I’m rich with friends who love and care for me” sense.

Every need I’ve ever had has been met. Period. I will not die from this. Period.

So, it’s just a challenge, and a chance for more life lessons. I’m excited about what opportunities lay in store for me. Perhaps I went crazy when my roomie attacked me, but I’m going to enjoy my insanity as long as it lasts.

I am driving to California very soon. . . to be with David, the love of my life.

It might be tight for a while, of course, it might NOT be, either. We’re pretty good together as far as money-making goes.

Either way, this might be my last blog entry for a while.

Wish me luck, please. Pray if you like. Just call me sometime and make sure I’m eating, and I have enough time on my World of Warcraft account!

Your wealthy friend,

Josh

I’m sitting tonight at my friend Amanda’s house. She’s one of the several new people in my life. She’s talking with somebody on the phone, right now, who’s in a crisis. . . and Amanda’s helping. That’s her style.

She’s one of the sweetest people I know, and one of the strongest. I can’t help but appreciate her kindness, and her ability to keep a level head- even when her friend is pouring out his/her soul on the phone- certain that doom is approaching.
I’ve had a beautiful week. Life just keeps getting better right now… It all started with an instant messenger conversation I had a few weeks ago- I think you’ll recall- (I blogged it.)

I expressed embarassment that I had become passionate about my health in such a short period of time. He stopped me in my tracks and asked “Why NOT?” (Obviously that’s a summary). It hit me.

I’ve been breathing… I just haven’t been living. My passions had been stolen by poor health, bad realationships, and an overwhelming depression that had consumed me. Sure, I was still nice. . I was still “Josh” . . . but . . more “one shell of a Josh”.

I made the committment to start living every day of my life. I’m going to have pain anyway, I might as well experience it because I’m living- instead of constantly mourning my supposed impending death.

I haven’t just come out and said this, because it’s still a bit tender. . My hemochromatosis cannot be treated at this time. At first glance, my Doc and I thought everything would be okay, but it isn’t- and I’m facing the fight of my life.

I choose to fight- just not in the conventional way. I’m loving myself through this. I might die, I might not. I DO know, though, I WON’T die before my body stops breathing. I’ve become sick and tired of the bullshit keeping me from living the life I want to. I knew I didn’t want to die alone, and that staying in my room- slowly losing my sense of self- was going to leave me friendless- selfless.

So, I have a part time job- 15 hours a week. This job takes a lot of my energy, but you know what? I’m doing it. I’m living . . . and the money I make helps me go out with a friend or two . . and buy some (much needed) new clothes.

I have so many friends and stories to share with you. Heh- my Blog name- it’s been the same from the beginning. I think it’s beautiful that my life is finally catching up with the name…

My Life.

I’m thankful for the angels in my life. I can’t describe them any other way. They’re strong, they’re beautiful, they’re accepting, and the joy I feel when I’m around them is a taste of heaven.

Cubby- If it weren’t for him, I’d be dead. Period. There were so many nights I was lonely and depressed. Talking to him, and even thinking about him has helped me through so many nights. He’s the love of my life, the twinkle in my eye. . . My Magic.

Brady- Wow. His generosity is unequaled. He’s opened my eyes to acceptance and has demonstrated what it means to be a truly loving, gay man.

Keith- Had I but known! He’s been working at the same place as me for over 5 years. He’s one of Sebring’s most attractive people. He loves punkish music and Tim Burton films. His hair’s always a strange, but tasteful color, and I’ve never seen anyone look as hot in leather pants. He invited me to the movies a few weeks ago, and we’ve been friends ever since. For as hyper as he seems, I can tell his roots run deep, and I know that this thin wiry tree is one of the strongest I’ve come upon.

Gary- The gentelest man I’ve met. It’s the quiet ones we must look out for, sweeties, but something about Gary is so disarming . . so peaceful . . that I can’t help but want to match his sweet, caring nature everytime I’m around him. He’s a computer guy and hard worker, too. I haven’t had as much time to talk with him as I’d like. He has a lot of gentle wisdom to share, and I look forward to long hours of sweet conversations.

Amanda- She’s been there. We both had ill childhoods, and drama among friends. . She’s fun to be bad with (Dairy Queen) and good with, too (Rent & soy crisps). Words can’t express how happy I am to have a local friend with such an amazing spirit. I’m ingratiated to know her.

Mike- A butterfly. Plain and simple. He’s wrapped himself in a cocoon so long, and I’m thrilled to see him blossom and grow. He has a mostly innocent view of earth, and has had his share of pain, but I can’t help admiring his sweet spirit and loving nature. I had such a blast hanging out with him this week. Boobies.

Anthony- Quite simply- the coolest guy I know. He’s artisitic, down-to-earth, and I love everything about him. I met with him this week- after 3-4 years. It was like we’d picked up from old times . . even though we never had a true chance to hang out because my ex kept trying to hump him. LOL. I can’t help but love Anthony. . He’s adorable and I can’t wait to see him again soon.

Kyle- Lives with Anthony. He’s a cute lil’ chaser boy with eyes as deep as the ocean. Talking with him at Ruby Tuesday the other night was one of the highlights of my trip. He really seems interested in an Atlanta boy– I just hope he finds his “Mr. Right.” Or his “Mr. Right now” He’s a computer nerd (Definitely a plus), and works for a financial services company. I hope to get to know him a lot better. . . anyone who can endure my magic tricks and smile is a friend.

Mainly, because I’m not a great writer.  I don’t have patience like some others, and spend hours each day scouring over dictionairies and the like- imporoving my vocabulary.  Enough rambling about that.

In the last month, I’ve come to learn that my health is probably a bit worse than I thought and that my life, in fact, is in danger.  I made a commitment to myself that I would start LIVING, so that my date of death corresponds with the day my body stops moving.  I don’t want to live a “dead” life until I stop breathing from boredom or depression because I waited too long to live.

It’s strange really, what a change of thought will do.  In all other aspects of my life, I’ve remained the same.  I’m not walking around in different clothes or anything, just a different state of mind.

suddenly, *poof*, Out of the blue (which is just another of God’s name, in my view) new friends have begun to appear.

Brady’s been around for a bit, but he recently introduced me to Amanda.  She rocks my world.  She always seems to have something positive (or kinky lol) to say, and I know she knows what it’s like to not feel your best.  We get along on so many levels, and I just love her to pieces.

He’s also introduced me to Jeff, Jake, April, and Mags.  While I haven’t had as much time as I’d like to get to know the first three, Mags and I spent a couple hours on IM not too long ago, and it was like talking to myself. . . it’s so strange that two people could have such similar views on this universe.

Now, at work– Keith, a really sweet guy with a great sense of style started talking with me.  Before i knew it, he invited me to go out with him, his partner, and Kim- the funniest person I think I’ve ever met.  We saw X-Men 3 together, and had such a great time.

Today, Keith and I went to see Over The Hedge, and then went to Chili’s.  Wow. What a great time.  It’s so great to know there’s a chaser (he calls himself a trapper because he likes bears and chubs) in town.  He’s with such a great guy, too, and I can see they love each other a lot.   I have a feeling we’ll exchange lots of tips.  *giggles*  I don’t think either Gary (his partner) or David (My partner) will mind a bit!  LOL . . two guys so passionate about larger guys . . sharing pointers . . Yeah, both Gary and David will benefit.

I’m falling asleep at the computer, but I had to put in a little update.

Josh

Often wishing for a dime.
Woe . . Woe . . Woe . . Life’s a climb.

“If I don’t cheer up soon,” I chime . .
My friends shall kick my big behind.

hahahaha Okay, So I’ve been facing lots of hardships these past few years. It’s time to get myself out of this boat and back into the river, don’t you think?

Maybe I should get out and push!

Josh (Your own personal weirdo)

JoshuNoShougai (11:24:42 PM): Wow . . http://www.latimes.com/features/health/ Lots of good stuff here.
JoshuNoShougai (11:25:20 PM): Hah! One walk and I act like a fitness fanatic. Silly me.
ericmw1 (11:26:00 PM): whats wrong with getting excited about it? keep it up!
JoshuNoShougai (11:26:14 PM): Good point.
JoshuNoShougai (11:26:15 PM): Taken.
JoshuNoShougai (11:26:16 PM): ^_^

Heh. . . It’s so easy to over-rationalize life. He’s right! WHY NOT? I mean . . Why not be excited about something positive in my life? I’ve certainly been in a tizzy about the negative.

I’ve only known him online for a few days, but he’s already made a lasting contribution to my life that I refuse to forget.

I’ve been so disillusioned- feeling like my passion is gone.

Perhaps it’s time to make some more.

Eric is a great guy, and fantastic fundraiser.  He is raising money to help us fight AIDS, and will be cycling through the streets of San Francisco!   So, help him out!  Get off your ass and join the tons of people who have already donated!  Go here.  http://www.aidslifecycle.org/1550/

Oh, and by the way, boys. He’s single. Check him out- he’s hot! hahaha! http://www.biggercity.com/personals/view.aspx?id=44738

Peace.