Believe.

A few months ago, I left Florida for somebody else.

I was sure I’d NEVER be back.  I was happy, I was excited– I was branching out and feeling confident.  Time passed, and I started figuring stuff out.

We had passion, good intentions, and plenty of love.  But suddenly . . .
I’m back in Florida for us to “sort things out.”  Love endures all, and so- I’m afraid to admit to myself why I’m here.

I’m having lots of fun, guys, and I know this is an odd post to throw in the middle of all this happiness, but . . Just because I’m smiling doesn’t mean I’m not grieving.

We needed to “sort things out.”  Well, he did.  I knew what I wanted, and understood that very little in life worth having is brought about through instant gratification.

One can’t have an open, loving, joyful relationship without doing what’s necessary to maintain it.  You can’t put a compliment into the vending machine, and expect a box of chocolate-covered love drops to fall.  Neither can you stay “in love” because the other one used to be considerate.

He was working 60-80 hours (being paid for 20),  letting his “friend” overstep her bounds in our relationship, and keeping our relationship a secret. Many times, I felt like a stranger in public with him . . and I never even met his family out there. .

He hides his relationship status on MySpace, and sent me a birthday greeting labeled “Your Friend” which means he either considers us “friends” now . . or he didn’t take the few minutes necessary to say he loved me.

I’d ask, but he calls when I’m sleeping . . promising to speak with me soon.

Last night, he promised he’d be online to chat with me.

I waited two hours. . . hoping he was just caught up in a momentary distraction.  Hoping he wouldn’t really lie to me on my birthday.  He did.

I shouldn’t wait for someone to be serious about me.  If my docs are right, I might not have much “wait time,” and to be honest . .as emo as this sounds, I don’t want to die waiting to be loved.

Why do I want someone who isn’t crazy about me?  Why is it that, three years into our relationship, I’m back in Florida “sorting things out?”  Arguing was about the only time he’d reveal his emotions.  The rest of the time, he remained silent.

He had everything together once (he called me one of his passions), and I was deeply in love- not reminding myself that love endures all.  I saw what an amazing person he is.  Some circumstances knocked the winds from his sails, and now he’s so obsessed with regaining what he lost- he ignores what he has. . .

What was so important that it’s worth sacrificing the present moment for?

I often help people heal their lives, but not him.  He had passion once, but gave it up for comfort.  He tells me what he wants to do with his life, but there he is . . . working his ass off for people who don’t appreciate him, and he’s so busy searching for the past, he doesn’t see that “today” is all he has.

He sends me secret blog comments, he hides me on MySpace. . . and he identifies me as merely a friend.  When he’s around others, he won’t even end a call with “I love you.”  It’s always just “You too.”

We’ll always have the Highlands county fair, but was that one week worth all this pain?  He even has Jason, the ex roomate that fucking abused me on his top friends @ Myspace.  I want someone willing to stand up for me . .

Someone unafraid to love. . .

And as much as this hurts . . .right now . . .

that’s not him.

I can’t say it’s begun, as it has been in progress my whole life.  Today, I spent an hour and a half with my nephews, met with a couple of business associates, and packed like hell.

I’m in Tampa, and for the next few days, it’s just God and me.  I know that sounds lame, but so be it.

Once upon a time, there was a dude named Jacob.  He had pissed off his brother, and let me tell ya- the brotha wanted to bus’ a cap in Jacob’s ass. ;-)  So, Jacob fled to a distant land, started a family, became fairly wealthy, and waited for his brother to stop bing pissed.

The whole time Jacob was with his family- they never really understood who he was.  It wasn’t that they didn’t love him, or WANT to understand, but he was without his roots, his culture, without what was worth pissing his brother off for.

He decided to return home– to show his family who he really was- to find his roots. . .and to live in the land God promised him.

During his trek home, Jacob reached a ford (not the car!) called “Jabbok.”  Literally translated, it was “The place of deadness.”

He sent his family over the stream, but lingered behind to pray.  There he was- all alone- with nothing but what he needed to survive keeping him company.

That night, a man appeared and began to wrestle with Jacob.  For hours and hours, Jacob struggled with the mysterious man.

Finally, as the sun was beginning to rise, the man cried out for Jacob to release him.  “I won’t let go until you bless me,” Jacob cried.  With that, the man reached out, touched Jacob’s hip, and immediately it popped out of place.  Determined to win the blesssing, Jacob kept struggling with the (obviously supernatural) man.

The man eventually gave up, and blessed Jacob- chaning his name to “Israel” which means “Prince with God.”  Much better than Jacob, which means “liar.”

My family and (some) friends don’t understand how much I NEED to go to California- Spirit is drawing me there, and I don’t exactly know why.  David is an obvious reason, but I think this is about my unfoldment as an individual, too.  I can’t help but draw some inspiration and insight from the biblical myth story I just shared with you.  Check this out . .

1. Jacob left his family and his stuff to go where he felt he needed to be.  Even though the place he needed to be seemed undesirable.  (I don’t think I’d ever name an amusement park “Place of Deadness!”)
2. Jacob was in this undesirable place with nothing but what he needed to survive.
3. He struggled his ass off.
4. Then he struggled his hip off. . . but he kept fighting.
5. He earned his blessing.

This encounter is what is described in theological terms as a Theophany- a visible manifstation of God.  Why?  Jacob named the place “Peniel” meaning “I have seen God face to face and lived.”

From that day forward, Jacob walked with a limp.  The man never healed him.  Sometimes, when you’re truly blessed, you’re marked by it.  This lesson touched Jacob. . . limp and all, he was NEVER the same.  So, friends, as I wrestle, I’ll keep a smile on my face.  I know the blesser is here with me now, and as my blessing unfolds, I will NEVER be the same.

Love,

Josh
P.S. I’m in Tampa now, so if you live there, hit me up on my cell phone (863) 257-3411!

Wow, so much to say- in so little time.

First of all, I’m tired as hell, but it’s a good thing. I’ve spent the day with the greatest people I have ever known. One day, my heart will be mature enough to express the overwhelming sense of gratitude I feel. I’m grateful for my hubby, my friends, my family, and all of the wealth I’ve accumulated over the years.

You see, my bank account doesn’t understand how rich I am. I truely am a “rags to riches” story- straight out of the fairy tales. Read the rest of this entry »