Believe.

It’s a tough emotion to express, really. How many times can someone express “thank you” without seeming needy or overly-obnoxious?

I’m sitting tonight at my friend Amanda’s house. She’s one of the several new people in my life. She’s talking with somebody on the phone, right now, who’s in a crisis. . . and Amanda’s helping. That’s her style.

She’s one of the sweetest people I know, and one of the strongest. I can’t help but appreciate her kindness, and her ability to keep a level head- even when her friend is pouring out his/her soul on the phone- certain that doom is approaching.
I’ve had a beautiful week. Life just keeps getting better right now… It all started with an instant messenger conversation I had a few weeks ago- I think you’ll recall- (I blogged it.)

I expressed embarassment that I had become passionate about my health in such a short period of time. He stopped me in my tracks and asked “Why NOT?” (Obviously that’s a summary). It hit me.

I’ve been breathing… I just haven’t been living. My passions had been stolen by poor health, bad realationships, and an overwhelming depression that had consumed me. Sure, I was still nice. . I was still “Josh” . . . but . . more “one shell of a Josh”.

I made the committment to start living every day of my life. I’m going to have pain anyway, I might as well experience it because I’m living- instead of constantly mourning my supposed impending death.

I haven’t just come out and said this, because it’s still a bit tender. . My hemochromatosis cannot be treated at this time. At first glance, my Doc and I thought everything would be okay, but it isn’t- and I’m facing the fight of my life.

I choose to fight- just not in the conventional way. I’m loving myself through this. I might die, I might not. I DO know, though, I WON’T die before my body stops breathing. I’ve become sick and tired of the bullshit keeping me from living the life I want to. I knew I didn’t want to die alone, and that staying in my room- slowly losing my sense of self- was going to leave me friendless- selfless.

So, I have a part time job- 15 hours a week. This job takes a lot of my energy, but you know what? I’m doing it. I’m living . . . and the money I make helps me go out with a friend or two . . and buy some (much needed) new clothes.

I have so many friends and stories to share with you. Heh- my Blog name- it’s been the same from the beginning. I think it’s beautiful that my life is finally catching up with the name…

My Life.

I’m thankful for the angels in my life. I can’t describe them any other way. They’re strong, they’re beautiful, they’re accepting, and the joy I feel when I’m around them is a taste of heaven.

Cubby- If it weren’t for him, I’d be dead. Period. There were so many nights I was lonely and depressed. Talking to him, and even thinking about him has helped me through so many nights. He’s the love of my life, the twinkle in my eye. . . My Magic.

Brady- Wow. His generosity is unequaled. He’s opened my eyes to acceptance and has demonstrated what it means to be a truly loving, gay man.

Keith- Had I but known! He’s been working at the same place as me for over 5 years. He’s one of Sebring’s most attractive people. He loves punkish music and Tim Burton films. His hair’s always a strange, but tasteful color, and I’ve never seen anyone look as hot in leather pants. He invited me to the movies a few weeks ago, and we’ve been friends ever since. For as hyper as he seems, I can tell his roots run deep, and I know that this thin wiry tree is one of the strongest I’ve come upon.

Gary- The gentelest man I’ve met. It’s the quiet ones we must look out for, sweeties, but something about Gary is so disarming . . so peaceful . . that I can’t help but want to match his sweet, caring nature everytime I’m around him. He’s a computer guy and hard worker, too. I haven’t had as much time to talk with him as I’d like. He has a lot of gentle wisdom to share, and I look forward to long hours of sweet conversations.

Amanda- She’s been there. We both had ill childhoods, and drama among friends. . She’s fun to be bad with (Dairy Queen) and good with, too (Rent & soy crisps). Words can’t express how happy I am to have a local friend with such an amazing spirit. I’m ingratiated to know her.

Mike- A butterfly. Plain and simple. He’s wrapped himself in a cocoon so long, and I’m thrilled to see him blossom and grow. He has a mostly innocent view of earth, and has had his share of pain, but I can’t help admiring his sweet spirit and loving nature. I had such a blast hanging out with him this week. Boobies.

Anthony- Quite simply- the coolest guy I know. He’s artisitic, down-to-earth, and I love everything about him. I met with him this week- after 3-4 years. It was like we’d picked up from old times . . even though we never had a true chance to hang out because my ex kept trying to hump him. LOL. I can’t help but love Anthony. . He’s adorable and I can’t wait to see him again soon.

Kyle- Lives with Anthony. He’s a cute lil’ chaser boy with eyes as deep as the ocean. Talking with him at Ruby Tuesday the other night was one of the highlights of my trip. He really seems interested in an Atlanta boy– I just hope he finds his “Mr. Right.” Or his “Mr. Right now” He’s a computer nerd (Definitely a plus), and works for a financial services company. I hope to get to know him a lot better. . . anyone who can endure my magic tricks and smile is a friend.

It’s the title of my blog.  My Life.  It’s impossible to describe each emotion I feel- each life experience in words.

Mainly, because I’m not a great writer.  I don’t have patience like some others, and spend hours each day scouring over dictionairies and the like- imporoving my vocabulary.  Enough rambling about that.

In the last month, I’ve come to learn that my health is probably a bit worse than I thought and that my life, in fact, is in danger.  I made a commitment to myself that I would start LIVING, so that my date of death corresponds with the day my body stops moving.  I don’t want to live a “dead” life until I stop breathing from boredom or depression because I waited too long to live.

It’s strange really, what a change of thought will do.  In all other aspects of my life, I’ve remained the same.  I’m not walking around in different clothes or anything, just a different state of mind.

suddenly, *poof*, Out of the blue (which is just another of God’s name, in my view) new friends have begun to appear.

Brady’s been around for a bit, but he recently introduced me to Amanda.  She rocks my world.  She always seems to have something positive (or kinky lol) to say, and I know she knows what it’s like to not feel your best.  We get along on so many levels, and I just love her to pieces.

He’s also introduced me to Jeff, Jake, April, and Mags.  While I haven’t had as much time as I’d like to get to know the first three, Mags and I spent a couple hours on IM not too long ago, and it was like talking to myself. . . it’s so strange that two people could have such similar views on this universe.

Now, at work– Keith, a really sweet guy with a great sense of style started talking with me.  Before i knew it, he invited me to go out with him, his partner, and Kim- the funniest person I think I’ve ever met.  We saw X-Men 3 together, and had such a great time.

Today, Keith and I went to see Over The Hedge, and then went to Chili’s.  Wow. What a great time.  It’s so great to know there’s a chaser (he calls himself a trapper because he likes bears and chubs) in town.  He’s with such a great guy, too, and I can see they love each other a lot.   I have a feeling we’ll exchange lots of tips.  *giggles*  I don’t think either Gary (his partner) or David (My partner) will mind a bit!  LOL . . two guys so passionate about larger guys . . sharing pointers . . Yeah, both Gary and David will benefit.

I’m falling asleep at the computer, but I had to put in a little update.

Josh

There is a woe boat in my mind.
I find myself in it a lot of the time.

Often wishing for a dime.
Woe . . Woe . . Woe . . Life’s a climb.

“If I don’t cheer up soon,” I chime . .
My friends shall kick my big behind.

hahahaha Okay, So I’ve been facing lots of hardships these past few years. It’s time to get myself out of this boat and back into the river, don’t you think?

Maybe I should get out and push!

Josh (Your own personal weirdo)