. . . with someone a zillion miles from me.

Stupid Geography!

Please.

I know I can be pretty negative, but I bounce back. Why do you insist on staying upset?

Why do I do this to myself? Talking with someone who sees the bad far more often than the good . . .

Optimism- Maybe one day you won’t crucify yourself so often.

Healing? HoHoHo.

Maybe this holiday season is bringing out the worst in me, but right now, I’m not healing.

I’m very depressed, and have tried all the usual tricks to shake myself out of this depression.  I’m not “avoiding” my friends, I’m really just scared that if I let this all out, I’ll snap.

Don’t freak out, I’ll be okay eventually.  I’ve just had it up to here (points up dramatically) with this fucking pain.

First of all, I’m tired as hell, but it’s a good thing. I’ve spent the day with the greatest people I have ever known. One day, my heart will be mature enough to express the overwhelming sense of gratitude I feel. I’m grateful for my hubby, my friends, my family, and all of the wealth I’ve accumulated over the years.

You see, my bank account doesn’t understand how rich I am. I truely am a “rags to riches” story- straight out of the fairy tales.

Four years ago, I moved into a little one-bedroom apartment with somebody I loved a lot. He didn’t work, but he didn’t really have to. We were brokeass mountain, but “love” made me feel rich. Of course, it was really my desire to feel loved . . and not really love. I was in love with the IDEA.

A broken heart, and a WEALTH of knowledge later, I met David. Wow- what a complete breath of fresh air. We grew to love eachother pretty quickly, and had our somewhat rocky points, but we’re still together, and I love him more each and every day.

He’s shown me what real love is, and how to love even when I didn’t feel like it. Our love has grown over these last few years, and I pray everyday, that I can live up to expressing my gratitude for such amazing times.

While they haven’t been present in my everyday life, friends have not gone unnoticed or unappreciated. At school, I was the smart “goody goody” that made people wanna puke, and found it difficult to interact with people around me. It’s not easy being the fat kid, but at least I looked fairly strong.

In the last few months, old friendships have blossomed, and new ones have grown. I am amazed how rich I am. My bank account DOESN’T understand!!!!! I had more fun with $40 today than many millionaires. I went to Lakeland with Keith and explored its mall, met a really cool preacher’s kid who now works at HotTopic, got a messenger bag, and ate some great shrimp!

Later this evening, we got back into Sebring, finished getting a few knicknacks for Keith’s halloween outfit, and then met up with Amanda, John, Jonathan, and THOR (he’s back from hiking)!!! Our waiter at Chili’s sucked ass, but it was so good being with everybody.

I find myself . . sitting back . . . and just . . drinking them in for a few moments. Everybody was laughing, joking, talking, and having a blast. Except Jonathan, but he’s bitchy like that. I still love him.

We parted ways, and Amanda, Keith, and I went back to her place. I saw my two ex-roomies who I’m working really hard to forgive .. outside Amanda’s, but I remained calm and casually ignored them.

Once inside, Keith put on his halloween costume for us . . and paraded around posing for pictures. I almost fell off Amanda’s sofa when Keith (who was a bit drunk) was posing on the kitchen counter raised up a bit too high and SMACKED his head into her light. She had just said “Watch your head!”

After hanging out til’ almost midnight, Keith took me back to my one-bedroom apartment.

I’ve spent some really great times here. I’ve had plenty of sucky ones, too. . . but soon. . . maybe tomorrow . . (actually today since it’s 5:00 a.m. and I can’t sleep) My time in this place will be done.

My roomie screwed me bigtime. I gave too much, perhaps. I should have thrown him out the first time he grabbed my arm in anger. A few months, and a dirty apartment later, he signed a lease on a new place- planning on me moving, too.

I asked him to clean up because we had a “move out” inspection, and instead of doing his fair share, I came home looking at a pig stye. Although I hadn’t eaten at home for over a month, he somehow felt I should clean the kitchen. . . and even though it was his feces on the floor of my bathroom, I should mop it up. I disagreed. Strongly.

Like any good abuser, he’s great at justifying his actions, and perhaps he’ll never be held to account for them. I take solace in the fact that I acted in integrity, and even though I was VERY VERY VERY PISSED, I gave him all of his stuff- and let him take things he had given to me in payment (aka the TV- because he hadn’t paid rent for 4 months).
One day, I’ll completely forgive/forget him and move on. Probably a lot sooner than him, because I don’t owe him anything.

As far as what he owes me . . . with his recent computer purchases, desks, furniture, and whatnot– although he promised to do the right thing and pay his share of the bills for the time he was here . . . I’d rather just free myself from being angry about the money. If he ever grows a conscience, he’ll do the right thing. I know his current BF tried sleeping with every person I brought over to hang out with. . . so . . . my ex-roomie will probably face the same challenge I face now. . . The good thing, however, is I have friends who love me for who I am. Video games and bacon make poor friends, dear ex-roomie. I sincerely hope you DON’T face this, because your support structure leaves much to be desired.

It happened in the early part of September. I couldn’t bring myself to write about it, because it’s painful. . but as my memories of him fade, and I spend time with my friends, my life improves.

The money is a small price to pay to remove abuse from my life. Many would give millions if they could.
I had a client ALSO break a contract with me. I don’t have the money to pursue him in court right now. While one problem or the other would have been critical but surmountable, the combination is more than my bank account can understand.

So, as rich as I am. . with experience . . life lessons . . friends . . love . . and family . .

I can’t sell them to pay my rent! Nor would I want to!!!

So, I might be offically “homeless” soon. Maybe today.
Okay, not “homeless” in the sleeping-under-a-bridge sense, but “homeless” in the “I’m rich with friends who love and care for me” sense.

Every need I’ve ever had has been met. Period. I will not die from this. Period.

So, it’s just a challenge, and a chance for more life lessons. I’m excited about what opportunities lay in store for me. Perhaps I went crazy when my roomie attacked me, but I’m going to enjoy my insanity as long as it lasts.

I am driving to California very soon. . . to be with David, the love of my life.

It might be tight for a while, of course, it might NOT be, either. We’re pretty good together as far as money-making goes.

Either way, this might be my last blog entry for a while.

Wish me luck, please. Pray if you like. Just call me sometime and make sure I’m eating, and I have enough time on my World of Warcraft account!

Your wealthy friend,

Josh

Oh well.

Blah

Blogged with Flock

This link is why I want my doctor’s office to get off its ass.

I know that only my friends read my blog . .but . . just in case there’s a non-friend in our midsts:
If you’ve ever given me shit because I didn’t have the strength to do something for you– fuck off.

And she’s right. It does feel good to know you’re not crazy. Now if I could just convince my doctor to learn more about treating me, I’d be really happy.

If not, I’ll have to move on.

Josh

Bored. Bored. Bored.

Nobody’s on.

Bored.

I took a moment to sit back and read Brady’s Blog, when I noticed a link to another friend of his. Heh. People who can design like this simply amaze me.

Often wishing for a dime.
Woe . . Woe . . Woe . . Life’s a climb.

“If I don’t cheer up soon,” I chime . .
My friends shall kick my big behind.

hahahaha Okay, So I’ve been facing lots of hardships these past few years. It’s time to get myself out of this boat and back into the river, don’t you think?

Maybe I should get out and push!

Josh (Your own personal weirdo)

And my friends are going out . . having good times. . I’m just stuck here feeling depressed and poor.

Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrowl.